Mmmkay, you knew this one was coming…

Top 10 Reasons Why Taking Care of Sick Children – When You’re Sick Too – Sucks:

10. The phrase “Shut Up and Leave Me Alone” pops into your head every 12 seconds.
9. You’re so busy/tired/dejected you forget to eat. And then you heat up canned soup at 9:30pm.
8. Enduring hours of Treehouse TV – enough to make you nauseous even when you’re healthy.
7. Having snot run down your face while you’re busy wiping your kid’s.
6. Staying up all night with one sick child and all day with the other.
5. Hearing your husband say “Poor Baby” while he’s sipping his Venti Macchiato at work. #ihateyou
4. Doling out “Bless You”, “Don’t Wipe Your Nose on Your Sleeve” and “You Feel a Bit Warm”. Repeat.
3. The incredible urge to lock yourself in your room and assume the fetal position.
2. Hearing your husband say “So I’ll be home late today…”
1. Realizing that you’re the mom. Ain’t no one bailing you out of this one.

Yes, I know we just welcomed 2012. And everything’s great.

But if I had my way, I’d take the first time machine back 30 years to 1982, when the music was actually good. Lady Gaga? Puh-lease. Time to crank up The Go-Gos.

Now this I can fist pump to.

Also from 1982?

Physical, Olivia Newton-John
Eye of the Tiger, Survivor
I Love Rock N Roll, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
Jack & Diane, John Cougar
Don’t You Want Me, The Human League
Tainted Love, Soft Cell
Let’s Groove, Earth, Wind and Fire
Don’t Stop Believin’, Journey

Hmm… let’s see what’s on an “All Hits” pop radio station at the moment…

BodyBounce, Kardinal Offishall feat. Akon

Oh. My, Barf.

What are some of your favourite hits from the 80′s? (Oh I know, there are too many to list. Okay, one of your faves?)

It’s old news that my boys are currently addicted to In The Night Garden. From my “Apparently Shopping Makes Me Cry” post:

“Yes, it’s the seizure-inducing, suicide-pondering, freakishly cultish ‘In the Night Garden’. My boys LOVE the show. Conveniently on at 8:00pm (just before the boy’s bedtime), we’ve been allowing them to cuddle up on our bed to watch the nightly episodes. Often, by the time the credits roll, they’re both sweetly sound asleep.”

Tragically, the “night” garden also airs in the morning. 

And that’s exactly how I found myself introduced to the foul-mouthed rantings of a Tombliboo. Earlier today, I was at my breaking point with the boys. After taking turns dragging each other across the floor by the hems of their pants (thanks for polishing the hardwood hun), poking eyes, stealing cars and screaming like banshees, I decided an early lunch was in order. I dumped Reid in his booster seat, ordered Ryder to sit at the kitchen table, and proceeded to heat up my mom’s famous chicken stew.

I also turned on the television, praying my home could be whine-free for the whole 5 minutes it took to get lunch on the table. I was surprised to see that In the Night Garden was on at 11:00am, but since both boys instantly fell into a Ninky Nonk trance, I decided to count my blessings and turn up the volume.

Moments later, as I was about to place Ryder’s lunch in front of him, my arm froze in mid air.

I heard something.
Coming from the television.
It sounded like a Tombliboo.

And it appeared that he had said… “Shut The F*ck Up”.

It couldn’t be.
No way.
Of course not.

So I proceeded to deposit Ryder’s lunch on the table… and then, I heard it again:

“Shut The F*ck Up!”

Wha-wha-whaaaaaaat???? Thankfully, due to the magic of YouTube, I was able to find the episode and attempt to confirm if I had indeed heard a Tombliboo drop the F-Bomb.

YOU be the judge. Listen at 1:53 and 2:01. Or watch the whole thing, if you’re feeling particularly self-loathing.

As any blogger will tell you, feedback from readers is euphoric.

Frankly, it’s twofold: knowing that the post you put your energy (and sometimes heart and soul) into has been well received, and the opportunity to engage in conversation with those who take the time to stop by your site.

As any blogger will tell you, spammers make up a good portion of that feedback.

I’m used to spam comments; I actually have quite the chuckle when I read them, especially when the comment loosely relates to something I’ve blogged about. Of course, other times -

“I don’t even know the way I stopped up here, but I thought this publish was good. I do not recognise who you’re however definitely you are going to a famous blogger in case you are not already. Cheers!”

For the most part, that’s what I deal with – thrillingly complimentary degenerates.

However, this evening I received a spam comment which just hit below the belt:

“Clearly you are the worst of your class. You suck at montising (sic) your blog and your posts you must be a very bad human being. I will not come again and will encourage kinfolk to do the same.”

Interesting perspective.

Before having children, I often took offense at the way mothers handled their whiny, annoying kids in public.

For Christ’s sake, shut them up! I’d silently pray. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I often theorized that if I had a kid, there was no way in HELL I’d let him carry on like that, caterwauling like a demented lunatic. My offspring would be polite, well-mannered and conscious of their environment and those around them.

I believe the term is to “eat crow?”

The thing is… I get it now. I really do. As moms, it’s not that we think it’s reasonable to let our children go off on a tangent, audibly torturing everyone within a four-block radius. The simple truth is, we just don’t hear them anymore. Seriously, we are immune.

I call it the fuss filter.

And it comes from long hours of being subjected to whining, temper tantrums, crying fits, hissy fits, outbursts, “he touched me!”, shrieking, ranting, biting, repetitive insanity and the like. After a while, it takes us progressively longer to realize that someone is speaking, let alone screaming his head off. Fuss filter in full effect.

Last Saturday, I was at Wal-Mart with the kiddos.

Let’s see, I’ve gotta grab lotion, toothpaste, check for that silly DVD, get a surge protector, I think we’re out of paper towels, are Pampers on sale this week? Hmm… no, I hate paying full price (Want red car.) but I don’t want to put the little guy in the cheap diapers either, maybe I’ll check Loblaws and come back tomorrow if I need to… (Want red car.) … even though I rather not, should I just buy now?… (WANT RED CAR!) … I can’t believe there’s no freaking Tide Free laundry detergent. Does everyone use it or do they just refuse to keep it in stock? (WANT RED CARRR!!!!) And why do they have 12 different Febreze-scented… (WANT RED CARRR!!!! WANT RED CARRR!!!!! WANT! WANT! WANT!) …thingies. I can’t tell the difference. They all smell the same (WANT RED CAR) but I don’t think I want my house smelling of apples (WANT RED CAR) although…

“Huh? What?”
“WANT RED CAR!”
“Um no, you cannot have a red car. Now pipe down before you make a spectacle of yourself.”

Mmm…. crow.

Welcome Readers!

(Do not adjust your computer monitor – YES, you’re chez Lena!)

Here it is – my brand new site. I’m pretty much in love with it, and hope y’all like it too! Today I’ll be working through a few kinks and making sure that everything is where it should be. A few pictures have gone astray, a couple of comments are lost in space (but only those made on my last post – which we’re actually trying to recover! Yup, you know you’re with the best when they try to find 16 comments out of the 69,984 they successfully migrated).

But for the most part, I’m so happy to declare that the move was a SUCCESS! Much, much love to Cathy and team at Desperately Seeking WP – you’ll see me offering profuse thanks for the next little… eternity.

And if you’re liking what you see, send a shout out to Juan (@SproutAbound) on Twitter – he designed this magnificent theme.

I’ll be back to blogging once I’m through with a little housekeeping; until then, feel free to poke around! Muah!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… Halloween is over, and Christmas preparations are in full swing! (Not really, but I love eliciting upward eye rolls.)

And… it’s my hubby’s birthday! For those of y’all counting, he’s THIRTY-SIX today. That’s waaay closer to 40 than 30, you know.

For ol’ times sake, I took a photo of him last night, so we could remember him on the cusp of his 36th year.

And I do have to say, he looks just like the svelte, enigmatic, raging sex machine he was when I first laid eyes on him over six years ago… (more…)

I actually can’t remember how I broke the news of my two pregnancies, but I *think* I may have done something terribly uninspiring like just picking up the phone and telling people. My bad.

Of course, I had no idea that THESE little wonders existed:

SCRATCH CARD PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT

SURPRISE! ULTRASOUND PHOTO & DUE DATE

Disclaimer: Don’t be tempted to search #Hollyweird on Twitter. Four minutes of your life you won’t get back.

This Makes Me Sad:

Ashton Kutcher has reportedly cheated on wife Demi Moore with a young, svelte, “who wants to jump in the hot tub” kind of party gal. Oh Demi, it’s every woman’s worst nightmare come to life: being close to 50 and on the brink of marital divorce. Of course, it helps that you look like – well, you – but what hope would the rest of us mortals have?

Then again, women are pretty damn inspiring. And a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Random Musings:

I’ve been reading the trash tabs lately (sorry People magazine; In Touch is slightly cheaper and only marginally more ridiculous with their cover stories) and I’ve heard tales of boyfriends, fiancés and husbands being STOLEN from another woman.

Jennifer Aniston steals whats-his-face from another woman!
Leann Rimes stole Eddie C from that skinny chick!

K, newsflash everyone: you can’t STEAL a man. What’d she do – gag him, pull a burlap sack over his head and throw him in her trunk? Now that’s stealing.

Otherwise… he LEFT you. Know the difference, and make peace with it. Or don’t. (more…)

…Love.

First love, summer love, the thrill of falling head over heels.
Old love, motherly love, the fierce satisfaction of being somebody’s whole world.
Platonic love you have for a friend; a sibling, a person in need.
The love you send to someone who has suffered a loss.

Yet to me, perhaps the most interesting “love” is the unrequited type; a crush, so to speak. A regular at your favourite cafe; the co-worker you secretly yearn for; a friend who catches your eye and holds your heart. The absolutely unabashed need to make a person notice you. The chase.

It is one of life’s greatest highs: your mind, monopolized with questions – questions about your appeal, fate, worth. Your body, taken over with vanity, lust and greed. Your heart – each beat pulsating hope, hope, hope.

Notice me.

When I think of unrequited love, no song puts my thoughts into words more profoundly than Bic Runga’s “Sway“. Runga, a New Zealander of Chinese decent, perfectly and melodiously tells the tale of every girl’s crush. My very favourite lyrics from the song:

And here I go losing my control;
I’m practicing your name so I can say it to your face…

Every time Max & Ruby comes on Treehouse, Ryder points to Max on the screen and says…

“Eat Him.”

Weirdo? Big time.

I am not too embarrassed to admit that I pretty much drop everything when this Joe Fresh commercial comes on the air. Hubba hubba.

Yikes. They didn’t make geeks like that when I went to school. Just sayin’.

Stop the presses! Could this actually be a post with no review or giveaway attached? Why YES, indeed it is!

As much as I love reviewing products and offering my awesome readers a chance to win, I’ve missed just jotting down my thoughts, rants, etc. So I decided to take an afternoon to just be Lena, and chat about some of the things that have been on my mind. Here we go:

1. I’m sick of summer. I know, I’m opening myself up to boos, hisses and strategically placed middle fingers when I say this, but the truth is, I.CAN’T.BREATHE. It’s so freakin’ hot! Every day seems to have a humidex value in the mid-thirties, and even with sun protection, I am burning to a crisp. Another little victim is poor Ryder – he’s been having massive nosebleeds on a daily basis that our pediatrician has attributed to the constant heat. I’m done with this season! “Paging: September.”

2. I just opened the fridge and was confronted with two 2L bottles: one was Coke Zero, the other, Coca-Cola. Even though the junk in my trunk dictates I should have reached for the Coke Zero, I decided to have just a sip or two of the real thing. When I twisted off the cap, a swirl of cold condensation looped out of the bottle, just like you see on TV. Diagnosis: delicious. 

RANDOM PIC: ISN’T REID A DOLL?

3. How many of y’all keep a pack of chewing gum in your car? I used to all the time, until I noticed a warning on my pack of Excel: “Do not expose to extreme heat.” With the temperature today comparable to hell itself, I would suggest yanking gum, plastic bottles and other perishable goods (obviously) out of your automobile. There’s some evidence (myth? fact?) that when aspartame is heated, it releases a toxic chemical. Not sure if it’s an urban legend, but if Wrigley Canada doesn’t want to take chances, neither should we.

4. How come you can’t tickle yourself? Not that I spend copious amounts of time trying to get in cheap laughs, but I do tickle the boys – a lot – and the other day, Ryder said “Mommy tickle you.” So then I had to tickle myself and fake ridiculous laughter for two minutes. (Not that women know about faking things…) But seriously, why can’t you tickle yourself? Perhaps tickling belongs in the same camp as massages – someone else needs to do it to work.

RANDOM PICS: RYDER’S NEW SMILE. THERE GOES HIS MODELLING CAREER.

SERIOUSLY, WTH?

That was a nice break! Now back to the Beauty Event! xo

I hope everyone is enjoying my Summer Beauty & Fashion Guide!

Here’s a quick little beauty tidbit – in the last week (and likely because you’ve been subjected to too many of shots of my mug) – I’ve received many comments asking about the brand/colour of my contact lenses.

*Giggle* 

Well, I’m going to spill my secret – they’re my own! #WhatGodGaveMe. Yes, they’re a freakish hue. But they’re 100% Lena.

Thanks for being interested in me! xo

While I believe I’ve mastered the art of communicating some of the best beauty tips from the pros, I feel the need to put my own little spin on this beauty event – you know, offer up some Lena-inspired advice.

Now I’m not an expert (not even close), but I do know what makes me feel pretty. So I give you my 5 Essential Beauty Do’s –

1. Smile often. There is nothing prettier on a gal than a sincere, toothy grin. It does wonders to make you look fresher, younger, and above all, happier. (Before Victoria Beckham stopped eating, she used to smile too!)

2. Take the compliment. Are you quick to refuse compliments? Deflect them with self-criticism instead – “Oh no, I look terrible today! My hair is frizzy…” etc, etc. BAH. Just take the compliment, sister. People say nice things because you deserve them. A simple “thank you!” will do. (Of course, some people dole out insincere compliments. Recognize the source. They’re known as jealous b*tches.)

3. Find your perfect weight. Not everyone is meant to be a size 2, and no one should be a size 22. As long as you’re healthy and follow a good diet and exercise regime, learn to love your body. Stuffing your face with donuts is bad. So is stuffing your face with salad. Find balance and move on with your life.

4. Make time for pretty. Unless you have an actual allergy to makeup, there’s no excuse to leave the house bare faced. Take all of 10 seconds for a sweep of bronzer or blush and a swipe of tinted lip gloss. You’ll instantly look softer and more feminine. Plus, you can find cheek stains and lip glosses with sun protection, so you’ll actually do your skin a favour.

5. Be beautiful on the inside. It does wonders for how people perceive your outer beauty.

Do you have any “Beauty Do’s” to add to my list?