A Mom by Any Other Name…
Readers, I have a problem.
Now I suppose I should toss out a quick disclaimer: I have my health, my kids are well fed, and for the moment, we do have a roof over our heads. So in the grand scheme of things, perhaps it isn’t a “problem”.
An inconvenience? A concern? Regardless.
Ryder calls me “Lena”. And I can’t get him to stop.
I know, I know, I know it shouldn’t bother me so much. Many friends and family members actually think it’s kind of cute. And for a while, even I thought it was rather enduring. Ha ha, my son calls me by my first name.
Now, it drives me crazy.
I’m not exactly sure why he prefers addressing me as “Lena” – after all, it hardly has an interesting ring to it, eh? Let’s be real, it’s not “Desirée” or “Katerina” and furthermore, I spend the equivalent of 6 hours per day rambling off phrases such as “Give it to Mommy,” “Mommy said NO!” and “Come hold Mommy’s hand”… so… what the hell? And I AM his Mommy, right? I pick out his clothes, kiss his boo boos, cut his grapes in half and jump on Google for every symptom he’s ever had (or I thought he had, which includes, but is not limited to, shingles, bee stings and leprosy).
So… what the hell?
It’s been getting worse, friends. Last week, while taking a Popsicle out of the freezer for him, he looked at me pointedly and said, “Don’t lick it, Lena. That’s MY Popsicle.” Sure, I can deal.
Later that day, I accidentally spilled milk all over the counter due to a milk bag malfunction.
“What the hell, Lena?” he observed. (Yes, it’s indeed horrible that those exact words came out his mouth, but I will be the first to admit that I burst out laughing when he said it. I think this Mommy needs to watch her own potty mouth.)
But my absolute breaking point was while we were in Gymboree last week. Sorting through some of their cute fall merchandise, a salesperson sidled up to me.
“He’s so cute!” she gushed.
“Thank you,” I crooned. “Do you like this top, Ryder?”
“I don’t like it Lena,” he replied. ”Lena, let’s go home. Want to play cars.”
“Oh!” the salesperson gushed. “Are you his nanny? Or an aunt?”
Great.
“No, I’m his mother,” I retorted pleasantly.
“Ah, a stepmom. I thought so…
I didn’t want to say, but I was trying to find the resemblance.”
B*tch.
“Actually, believe it or not, I gave birth to this little charmer.”
“But… he calls you by your first name?”
Ugh. Yes, lady, he does.
I suppose the real question is why it bothers me so much. I mean, who cares, right? I’m his mother: I know it, he knows it, and that should be all that matters.
But it does matter.
On one level, it challenges my cultural notion of respecting your parents. By addressing me by name, it undermines my maternal authority and puts me on a level playing field (even though I do not believe this is his malicious intent). Still, the outcome is the same; I am reduced to a peer… and you do not have to take instructions from a peer.
On another level, it can be untimely and embarrassing, as witnessed in the Gymboree incident last week. I don’t want people to assume that I’m the hired help – not that there’s anything wrong with that – but let’s be real, I spent 26 hours labouring with him, I’m damn well going to claim him as my own.
And finally, if there’s one thing that defines my daily existence, it is that I AM a Mommy. I relish in it. I love it. And there are exactly two people in this world who have the right to call me that… and one of them doesn’t speak coherently yet.
(Oh Lord, please let Reid call me Ma, Mama, Mom or Mommy. Amen.)
We do our best to calmly and consistently correct Ryder, and am quite certain he will grow out of this phase, just as surely as he grew out of the whole sniffing-the-top-of-kid’s-heads thing.
For now… I am Lena; hear me rant.
Oh boo to that Gymboree salesperson! Some people just have no clue!We went through this exact same phase – and I felt the same as you – I'd earned the "Mommy" title fair and square, and my 3 year old wasn't going to choose what she calls me (just yet anyways!). My strategy was to refuse to answer unless she called me Mommy. She learned that no reaction was no fun and we passed through the phase (sort of) quickly. Not sure if that would help your situ, but thought I'd pass along what worked for us! Good luck :)
Oh my gosh Lena!!! My friend Sam is going through the exact same thing – his son ONLY refers to him as Sam. Our friends joke and say he's "white" since we know a lot of white people who call their parents by their first name. They are however, adults. Ha ha.I personally would be mortified too by this, and I think culture has a lot to do with it. Being Asian, I never ever was allowed to refer to adults by their first name. In fact, I don't even know what my relatives' first names are!!I think it'll eventually sort itself out, but really, I have no answers for you! Good luck and keep us posted!!
Oh Lena love, I totally get how this would upset you. I'm currently in between houses and living with my sister who has two kids of her own. I am constantly worried Jane is going to start calling me "auntie jen" to the point that I now address myself as mommy to my nieces… ha ha ha. I'd rather all three of 'um call me "mommy" than my Jane call me "auntie jen"! :p xoxox It'll pass, I'm sure!
totally legit to be annoyed by this one, I would be too. We work our asses off daily and earn the title of mama. it's a badge of honour, a rite of passage, our most awesome achievment. I'm sure it's a phase he'll grow out of soon, but in the meantime 'what the hell Lena' is totally hysterical to hear! I can't stop laughing at that one! lol
Oh yes this would bother me too! My daughter went through a similar phase around the same age. Thankfully she grew out of it quickly. Much patience was involved.
@Sara – Thanks for sharing your experience! I too have tried ignoring Ryder but he just keeps screaming, "Lena, Lena, Lena!" over and over again until I cave. Sigh.@silverbullet71 – Same cultural taboos here. So you can imagine how mortified I am when he calls me "Lena" at family get togethers.@Jen – "Auntie Jen!" oh yes, I can see how that would upset you too!@MVTB – I literally burst out laughing when he said it. Mom of the year, right? :)@Francesca – so happy to hear that the phased passed with your little one! Hugs.
I have no experience with this but perhaps it's because that is the name of your blog? The fact that you are so great at it and have so many readers who love you – I think your son inherently knows this and is proud of you. Of course you're mom…but you're LENA too! I'm sure it's just a stage. =)
I love this rant :)As a 'mom' who spent 3 full days labouring my first-born, it breaks my heart everytime he calls me "Nana". My mom watches my boys 5 days a week. I understand the name slip-up (he called my husband "Santa" last week!) but I'm MOM and I want to be called MOM! He also went through a phase where calling me Shauna was cool & funny.I don't necessarily think it's a cultural thing to call parents by mom & dad or by their first names. Growing up, my elders were addressed as aunt/uncle or Mr/Mrs. And I still do this with anyone from my childhood that is still in my life. It's what my mother taught my siblings and I.It is something Ryder will grow out of, and maybe one day ignoring him will work and he'll be fed up enough of being ignored that he'll change to Mommy! I would also suggest telling him how it makes you feel when he calls you Lena. That you're his mommy and are proud to be his mommy, and that he should call you mommy so that his baby bro does the same thing. It's so hard when they're young and don't understand.No matter what, you are his mother. As long as your boys know this, it's all that matters. Ryder knows who his "mommy" is, and calling you Lena doesn't change his love for you one bit. And anyone who can't see a resemblance between you and your beautiful boys needs glasses (or their head checked!).
Good advice from some of your readers. I too would suggest ignoring him, and when he keeps screaming "Lena" over and over, calmly turn to him and say something like, "My name is Mommy or Mom. When you call me by the name you are allowed to use, then I will answer you." And then turn back and continue ignoring him. Do it a lot at home, so you don't feel so on-display, and walk out of the room if necessary. Just keep doing it, and he WILL eventually stop. Also, explaining is a great idea, too. Kids often understand more than we give them credit for, so maybe telling him that it hurts your feelings when he calls you Lena, because you are his Mommy, not his aunt, friend, or babysitter. Mommy or Mom is a special name that he ONLY gets to call you, and that is what you want him to call you. I still think ignoring, explaining, and continuing to ignore is going to be the best bet. He has to get sick of yelling for you at some point. Just be sure that as soon as he calls you Mommy, you respond, happy, bright, and very excited. Instantly. Positive reinforcement works (I'm told) really well on little kids. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. How sucky.
Lena we went through a stage where my son called me "Babe". That is what his father calls me and it all started one day at the grocery store. I was over in the produce and my son was with Daddy looking at the meat. Suddenly I hear him screaming at the top of his lungs "Babe" and he is calling for me. Was a bit of a funny stage,but i the same wanted him calling me Mom. Took a while but I would only answer him when he called me mom or when he said babe I would call him Grandpa and he thought that was silly. Then I would explain that his name is not grandpa and mine is not babe! Eventually it worked. Hang in there!!
Don't worry…my daughter went through a phase of calling me 'J', the nickname my husband uses for me…it was endearing (and hilarious) at first, but slowly got on my nerves. I was NOT going to be a HOMER to my daughter. I stopped laughing when she would say it, and because she didn't get that rise that children crave (from their parents or other adults), she stopped. I'm happy to say, within a week, I was mama again! :-D
Hi Lena. I would def just ignore him try telling him in the morning first thing that you will only answer him if he calls you mom, mommy, ma just not Lena. Be firm and do NOT CAVE or he will fine something else to get your goat with. Gotta love kids they sure keep ya on your toes.Allie
My son, who is two, is in alternates between calling my Hayut (Harriet) and Mom, and frequently calls my husband Mark! I think we need to start calling each other Mommy and Daddy so he'll stop! I don't like it!
New to your blog and loving it. My sister and I called our my mom by her first name when we were about 3. Eventually, my mom and dad just started calling each other 'mom and dad' and we picked it up. I hope Ryder outgrows this phase – but 'What the hell Lena!' haha that's hilarious!
Not a mom so my perspective is fresh here I say blame husband, he's taking cues from that and mimicking (in awe of, wants to be a big boy like daddy) therefore playing house mommy/daddy with you?
What a cute story! Can I call you Mommy? haha…j/k!xo
Hilarious! Baby Girl called her dad "Bob" for a while but that was pretty short lived.
@MommyNoob – Seriously, how sweet are you? Kisses! I'm sure Ryder recognizes my blog page but can't read yet!@ShaunaMacKenzie – you always give me the most thoughtful, well-meaning and inspiring advice. Thank you so much! Hugs my friend!@dannyscotland – Thank you SO much for the great feedback! Crossing my fingers.@Lisa17 – Thanks Babe! LOL!@Josie.K. & Allie – praying this is just a short phase… but it's been going on for months now. Will have to bring in the big guns!@harriet glynn & Buy Me a cameo – Harriet, I think Buy me a cameo just reinforced your suggestion!@Raymi – always love hearing your perspective!@the brother – NO! LOL@~she~ – short lived is good! xo
Thanks Lena that made me smile!! I went threw the exact same thing and I assure you it will pass. Until then deep breaths. Xo
Omg, this just made my night…and yes, it's Saturday night. See, it can always be worse. LOL
My son calls me by my first name too and I can't seem to get him to stop. He has even started using my middle name as well, just like I do to him. And like you I refer to myself as mommy and so does my husband but he must hear other people calling me Lisa so he thinks it's ok. I just ignore him now or quip back mommy and he stops. Ah. Motherhood… FULL of rewarding moments:)
I can see it now, one day he'll read this and say, "get over it, Lena!!" lolGet that on video, woman!!
I completely understand how that could annoy you. My 4 year old had was in that “phase” of calling me by my first name a while back and it was totally bugging me as well!
Hehe this made me giggle. My son (also Ryder) does this to me sometimes as well. But only on occasion so at the moment I find it cute and kind of humorous. But I totally see where you’re coming from..if my son did it daily it would bother me as well.