Hold on My Heart
A few nights ago, while lying in bed, I whispered to my husband, “They wouldn’t remember me. They wouldn’t know me.”
Having being aroused from his slumber, he blinked his eyes and asked ”Huh?”
“If something happened to me tomorrow,” I clarified. “Ryder is only 3; he would perhaps have selected memories of me, if any. Reid would remember nothing.”
“Go to sleep,” my husband ordered.
But I couldn’t let it go. I became obsessed with the idea of writing a letter to my boys. A letter that speaks to them today – but one I’d want them to read much, much later in life. Perhaps even after I’ve passed. Just a little note that gives them insight into my feelings, at this exact moment, while they’re still babies and will likely have no recollection of this time.
I also wanted to write a letter that tells it like it is. Because I’m not perfect. And they’re not perfect. But for better or worse, this is a snapshot of our time together. It goes something like this:
“Dear Ryder & Reid,
I’ll start this letter by addressing you both at the same time, because when writing about how much I love you, my feelings apply both equally and unconditionally. You are my LIFE. I have vague memories of a time before you, but at this very moment, every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of how fiercely I love you. Having children has both defined and justified my existence.
For Ryder:
Oh, where to begin. Dude, you cry waaay too much. It’s almost insufferable. Just shut up and calm down already; no, you can’t have jujubes for breakfast and yes, when I say stop jumping on the couch, I mean it. There are times when I really think you will break me; that I will throw my arms up in defeat and check into the hotel for bad mothers.
But at other times, I see this light shining in your eyes which reveals a beautiful, kind spirit. I see a playfulness and naughtiness that every child should hold onto for as long as humanly possible, before rules are established and routines are kept. Your smile is like warm sunlight on my face; it dazzles me and makes me incredibly aware of the quirky little man before me. I fantasize about the man you’ll become, and the lucky people who will bask in your glow. You are my first true love.
For Reid:
Just give up the boob already. What you’re doing is purely for show now. And I get it; it’s nice to have a warm, soft booby nearby. Remind me to mention this to your future girlfriends. But enough already; demanding “ne-ne” twenty times a day and then latching on for 2 minutes before you walk away does neither of us any good. You suck (literally) and it’s time to stop.
But I can never say no. I’ve got this unhealthy obsession with you. Perhaps it’s because I see so much of me in you, or because by nature, you’re just the sweetest little thing. But from the moment I held you in my arms, I realized that I could fall in love a second time – and just as hard. From your uncanny intelligence to your ever-ready smile, you pull at my heart and bring me to life. I’m not sure what I did to deserve you, but I will spend the rest of my life giving thanks.”
As you can see, it’s not all roses and lollipops. But it never is, is it? Still wouldn’t trade them for all the tea in China.
Have you recorded your thoughts & feelings in a journal – or post-dated a letter to your child? If you take the good and take the bad, what would it say?
This is the sweetest thing I have read in a long time. I like the fact that you didn't just wax on about how perfect they are. Kids are not perfect and are not supposed to be. They challenge you and drive you nuts but I am pretty sure you will look back at the things they did with fondness. This is a great idea.
What a sweet letter! And like Tricha said, I'm happy that you kept it real. Children need to know that they weren't always sweet little angels but you loved them just the same. Another beautiful post.
This is what sucked me into your blogosphere many moons ago – your incredible writing ability. I knew I'd have tears in my eyes before I started reading this post! What a beautiful way to keep your memory alive, and a perfect way to show how much your children mean to you. I've been meaning to start a journal for each of the boys, writing in it each year and saving it for them. You've given me the push to actually do it and I can't wait! Ryder & Reid will love reading your notes when they're older, laughing at how much of a little pain-in-the-you-know-what they each were, and smiling at your loving words :)
I write DD a letter on her birthday reflecting the whole year that had just passed..because I too had that same thought that if I weren't here…they wouldn't even remember or know me and how much I've invested my whole heart and whole self into them…at least with the letters she will be able to read them when she is older and can appreciate them..I figure I'll give them to her when she has a baby of her own and can really grasp the love a mother has for her children
Also remember that your blog is going to be a great insight to them into who you are. I have similar fears; mostly about tornadoes coming and ripping my daughter out of my arms, or having to be killed myself to save her or something. No I'm not paranoid, not at all. Especially since we aren't known for tornadoes around here… but I'm saying it's so normal to have these fears, and I just wanted to say that they will know you. Because you're going to be around a long, long time. :-)
Totally just cried at my desk!!! My boss thinks I'm weird now.
I was reading this post as my son was napping in my arms. After finishing, I scrolled back up to take-in my favourite part again ("I fantasize about the man you’ll become, and the lucky people that will bask in your glow. You are my first true love."). Just then, David awoke. He jumped up, smiled at me, and I BURST INTO TEARS! You captured, so well, the feelings in my heart!You write beautifully Lena! And your boys will be lucky to read this in the future, as you are lucky to have them. God bless you and your family *hugs*!
awwww perfect!
That was so nice!I did a time capsule for my first daughter's first birthday, for her to open on her 21st. All the guests brought something, and most family members brought letters and cards. I plan on doing the same thing for my second daughter's first birthday, so she will have something to remember me by.
This is such a nice tribute to your boys. They are very lucky to have you as their mom! And I echo the sentiments of others, you are a talented writer!
I am so touched by your kind comments! Thank you for sharing your own experiences and suggestions for how to preserve memories. Hugs!
OMG I was literally laughing out loud..such a beautiful letter:) The boys will definitely know they were the real stars in your life:) xo
Just the right amount of reality & sentimentality, perfect! They are lucky boys to have you in their life :)
Awe – make me cry, Lena!!Parenting isn't easy and the love and struggles go with it. Great post, it's one of my new faves from Lena!!:)
Oh Lena the tears are flowing and I couldn't finish reading. You are now inspiring me to do the same. What a wonderful mother your little boys have!
Y'all are so sweet. I was actually bawling as I typed most of it – call me crazy, but I've been really sentimental lately and just want to be all dorky and emotional. Thank you so much for taking the time to drop by.
i did the same thing for my kids. I'm kinda morbid that way :)your words to your kids are so beautiful andd i'm sure they will cherish them always.-dawn s-
That is so beautiful and honest. I'm not sentimental in the slightest. Really not, but that was beautiful. We had a "sad" day with my daughter today and it helped to remember how special she really is.
I have thought of that many times too. What would my kids remember about me if I died now? I am always the photographer and am rarely in pictures. I've tried to change that lately by asking people to take my picture with my kids. I don't necessarily like looking at them but I think they're important.
I wish my mom had done this before she passed away. I was 15. My brother was 6 and my baby sister was turning 5 that fall. I have a lifetime of memories. Devin has a handful and Chandler has even less. None of us were perfect and neither was our mom. Now, I share as much of what I know of our mom with my brother and sister so they can know just how much she loved us all. Thank you so much Lena xo
Major Gal – I just came across your comment. Thanks so much for sharing your story; I admire you for ensuring your mom’s legacy lives on. {Hugs}
I know this is a tres late comment, but this is beautiful and funny at the same time! I love the way you write Lena. I don’t remember my life before becoming a mother almost 30 years ago, its just who I am. Thanks for reminding me that I do want to write a letter to my children, even though they know me pretty well and I’ve been around forever, I’d still like to put some thoughts to paper!
Thank you Anne :) xoxox